You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
