took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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