remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
