considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
