pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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