My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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