I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
