I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
