It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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