i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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