I accidentally burped into my bong.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
