4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
