I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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