Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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