Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
