I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
