she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I AM VODKA MAN
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
