There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
