That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
