I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
