god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I cannot find my penis.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
