Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
