Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
