well you can't waste a boner
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
