Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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