spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
