it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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