my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he puts the penis in happiness.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Enjoy the penises
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
