if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
