rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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