need another drink. this is the easiest way
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
