Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
