found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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