no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
