While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
