i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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