she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
