oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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