remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We left the knife in your bed.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
