Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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