She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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