I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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