why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
