Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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