I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
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No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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