he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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