I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
