Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
