I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
