The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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